Chrissy

I want to preface my post today by saying it is written out of love and respect. Earlier this year I received an e-mail from one of my blog followers and she told me about another blog she enjoyed reading that's written by a fellow quadriplegic. She thought I might enjoy it, too. I was very grateful to have this blog address passed on to me, because I enjoy reading the blogs of other paralyzed people to see what their lives are like and how they are either similar to or different than mine.

I immediately went to this new blog Life; Paralyzed (written by Chrissy*) and I got "sucked in." (Sometimes I stumble upon various blogs and I'm immediately intrigued, so then I want to read everything they've ever written so that I can learn more about them.) I spent several hours reading Chrissy's blog that evening, and I very much enjoyed reading her posts because they were well-written and I could relate to her feelings and experiences on many levels.

[*Chrissy is a few years older than I am, but was injured a few years after I was. I think her accident was in 2005 and she was around the age of 25 when she became paralyzed.]

I didn't have to read long, however, before I noticed that we DID differ in one very big and important way. Chrissy is admittedly a very bitter and angry person. Her long blog posts are filled with anguish as she candidly writes in-depth about the anger, frustration, depression and utter desperation she feels as she faces the challenges of living a disabled life. She asks questions like:

• Why me?
• Is there a God, and if there is, then why did He let this happen to me?! 
• I was a good person! Why won't God cure my paralysis?
• I didn't deserve this; how much longer will I have to suffer?
• I don't think I believe in God, but what if He is real?
• What will happen to my soul?
• Is there an afterlife?

My heart broke for Chrissy because I could feel her desperation as I read her words. I decided to leave a comment on Chrissy's blog since I know how much I enjoy getting comments from my readers. I basically just introduced myself, briefly told her about my car accident and how I came to be paralyzed. I went on to tell her a little bit about my day-to-day life, and how my life has been impacted since becoming disabled. I also assured Chrissy that there is most definitely a God and that He loves her. I said something like, "You may not know this, but I know." I couldn't really find the right words to convey the point I was trying to get across, but I was trying to say, "You're asking questions that I  know the answers to! I want to share my knowledge with you because my knowledge of God and His son, Jesus Christ, is priceless to me and makes all of the struggles and pain and discouragement and heartbreak and disappointment worth it!" *I can't imagine not knowing with a surety that this life is not the "end-all and be-all." Life goes on after ANY life-altering accident, loss, trauma, etc. It goes on both here on earth AND into the eternities.

Chrissy would also write extensively about wanting the legal right to end her own life if she chose to. She was always advocating for disabled people, like us, and how we should have the legal right to make that decision for ourselves. The Lord has blessed me with a gift of joy, which I am incredibly grateful for, because without it, there's a good chance that I might be viewing life the way Chrissy does.

Chrissy was truly suffering mind, body and spirit. I have to give her high praise for doing as well as she did with the struggles she had. She was always in so much physical pain as she suffered with things that commonly plague paralyzed people, like autonomic dysreflexia. Never having experienced AD myself, I don't know how it feels or how it manifests in her daily life, but I DO know enough about it to know that Chrissy was in a tremendous amount of physical pain... every day. If you've ever been sick, then you know how hard it is to be cheerful and positive when you are hurting.

In order to make a very long story a bit shorter, I'll try to summarize the rest of the story. I always felt so badly for Chrissy and I wished that there was something I could do to help her. All I could realistically do was pray for her, so I did. God's given me a gift of joy, but if it weren't for that, there's a chance that I might have Chrissy's attitude. I wanted to share my joy with her.

I started following Chrissy's blog from that first day I heard about it, and I really enjoyed reading her posts. One day I was a little surprised to see a blog post she had written entitled "Paralyzed Without Joy" My immediate thought was, "Uh-oh, this can't be good!" So, of course, I immediately went and read her post. I was stunned to find that I was heavily referenced in Chrissy's post, and let's just say that they weren't glowing remarks! The gist of what happened is that she basically saw the comment I'd initially left on her blog that first night. Chrissy basically blew my comment off and chalked it up to me being some sort of "religious fanatic." That's fine, I AM religious (and proud of it!), although I definitely wouldn't qualify myself as a "fanatic." Chrissy went on to ridicule me and said how I must be insane for actually having a blog entitled "Paralyzed with Joy!", etc., etc. At first I was so taken aback that someone that didn't even know me would judge me harshly and unfairly (and inaccurately, I might add), but those feelings dissipated after several minutes and I was just filled with compassion and empathy. All I could do was feel even more pity for Chrissy than ever.

I experienced many emotions in the next few minutes after I read her post and I knew I had several options. I could retaliate right away and leave a nasty comment on her blog. The thought never crossed my mind, though, because Chrissy has had enough pain without me rubbing salt in her wounds. My next choice was to do nothing, but I didn't want to take this approach, either. I could always make a nasty post about her on my blog, but that's not my style, and I definitely didn't want to start a war of words, especially over something so trivial as the way two different paralyzed women cope with life. So, after thinking about it, I decided to make a comment that truly came from my heart. After all, in her blog post she even went as far as to admit that she was actually envious of me for being able to live joyfully since it was something she desperately strove for, but was unable to achieve.

I decided to leave this comment: "Chrissy, I read your post and enjoyed hearing your thoughts about the similarities and differences we share. No two accidents/injuries are alike, as you know, so I'm glad there are "different strokes for different folks" if you know what I mean.

"Sometimes it's interesting to think about why things happen, and how one person can break their neck and walk away from the accident, while someone else breaks her neck and is paralyzed for life. Or how someone else can feel content with their situation while someone else is completely miserable. I agree with you that people need to be open-minded of other people's situations since we don't know what their life is like. Hopefully you can respect my acceptance of my paralysis, just like I validate your feelings and would accept your decision to end your life if/when you choose to.

"I'm glad you wrote this post because I know it will give "food for thought" to other people, just like it did for me. I always wonder what the lives of other paralyzed people are like, what they think about, experience and how they feel, so reading this post was insightful." 

After leaving my comment I felt good about it, so I know I made the right choice. 

More summarizing to save time… a few people commented that they thought Chrissy was out of line for calling me out on her blog. It probably was in poor taste, but I didn't fault her for it because I knew it stemmed from her own personal demons, and she wasn't intending to be malicious. I truly think that she was just incredulous and bewildered that someone in her situation—actually, I'm more paralyzed than she is, since I'm paralyzed from the neck down, and she has partial use of her arms—could actually not only be happy, but filled with joy. She made a follow-up comment after mine saying that she really appreciated my gracious response, so that made me happy. There were no hard feelings.

The reason I'm finally writing about all of this is because two days ago I found out that Chrissy died on December 1. I don't really know many of the details, but I think she started refusing her medications two months ago, as well as food, and she'd drink very low volumes of water. I was saddened by the news of her passing, and my heart goes out to Chrissy's family and friends. I'm happy that Chrissy was finally able to die, since it's what she had been wanting for so long.

The thing that really saddened me about Chrissy and her situation was that she put so much energy into being angry and bitter and trying to find ways to legally end her life without involving other people. I just can't help but think what she could've accomplished in her life if she had lived, even if she was paralyzed. She was extremely talented, a great writer, and a wonderful artist. She could've touched so many more lives in more profound and positive ways, if she would've harnessed that energy and let it fuel some sort of passion and drive. Sadly, I think it was a missed opportunity on her part, although, I'm not trying to judge. It was ultimately her decision, and I DO respect it, just like I said I would.

Chrissy, go with God, you are now at peace. I'm sure we will meet in the hereafter and use our perfected bodies to embrace. Rest in peace.