Friday, March 12, 2010

I guess I'm human after all

One of the things I like about blogging is that you're writing to nobody and everybody at the same time. This is nice when I feel like I'm writing about silly things and I don't want to come across like an idiot. It's also nice to be able to write about things that are a little more personal. Even though I know that a blog is out there for anyone and everyone to read, I occasionally write about things that discourage me or make me sad. This is going to be one of those posts.

Anyone who knows me knows how upbeat and positive I am. I'm definitely not living the kind of life I expected I'd be living, but I've adjusted well and I still find joy in just about everything that comes my way. However, this past week I've been down in the dumps, so to speak. I've felt really sad and discouraged about various things. This is so odd for me because feeling sad is such a foreign feeling and I haven't really known what to do with my feelings.

I should start by saying that I rarely talk about my feelings. I'm not sure why, but I just don't like talking about things that cause me sadness, especially if they are circumstances that I have no control over. As hard as I've tried, in the last week I've just felt so bombarded with feelings that leave me feeling sad.

On Tuesday night I was so distraught that all of the disappointment I've experienced in the past six years flooded out my eyes. I rarely cry, one reason is because once I start it's impossible for me to stop! I talked to my mom for quite a while, but I felt the desire to talk to someone else; someone more on my age level. The next day I emailed my dear friend Nathan and asked him if we could talk sometime. He came down that night with ice cream and all the fixings for ice cream sundaes. I told him some of my woes and it was just nice to have someone listen to my feelings without making me feel dumb for feeling the way I felt.

There are so many things that could cause me a lot of pain if I let them, but I just don't let myself go there because I know dwelling on things I can't/don't have will only bring me pain. Before my accident I didn't know everything that was in store for my life, but I always expected that I would be able to have the two things that I wanted most out of life; being a wife and a mother. When I started nursing school I was so passionate about being a nurse, so I added the title of nurse to the short list of things I wanted most in life. After my accident the things I wanted most no longer seemed attainable. I tried my best to put these things out of my mind so as to not let the disappointment of no longer having my dreams ruin my life. I knew that this disappointment had the potential to ruin my life if I let it turn me into a bitter, miserable person. I've done a really good job of not letting this happen, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel sad sometimes.

When I was in the hospital last week I really felt the cruel sting of irony. Six years ago I went from being the nurse to being the patient in one swift second when I broke my neck in a car accident. I'd wanted to be a nurse so badly, and it's at times like when I'm in the hospital that I really grieve for the loss of what I wanted but will never be able to have.

Another source of sadness is that I am not a wife or a mother. I wanted that so badly, and just like knowing I'd be a great nurse, I know that I would be a phenomenal wife and mother. I'm a great catch, but I know I never get a second look from guys when they see my physical handicaps. I'm really lonely in this way, and that makes me sad too.

When I was talking to my friend Nathan he said, "It's nice to know you're human, because I was starting to wonder." I know that everything I've been feeling does make me normal and human, but I don't want to be human in this respect! I much prefer being the way I usually am -- blissfully happy despite my disappointments and limitations. Anyway, I just wanted to write about some of the emotional lows that I felt this past week.


KristyD said...

You are absolutely are and would be amazing at anything and EVERYTHING you put your heart/mind to. Nathan and I are on the same page in wondering if you were human...I hope you know that if you EVER need to cry, yell, laugh, ________ fill in the blank here just call and tell me to slow this high speed life I have allowed myself to get into. I would love to slow down, enjoy my incredible friend, and be there for her just as you have been and would be there for me! I love you Heather, and I LOVE this blog and your brutal honesty.
Kristy :)

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